Grief in the workplace

In the ideal world when an employee experiences a death he or she would get the all of time off needed to cope with the grief. However, in the real world a employees are often expected to show up while still grieving the death. Consequently grief from personal losses can have a significant impact on the workplace. 

There are many issues for an employer to consider when dealing with a grieving employee in the workplace these include workplace performance, productivity and efficiency and interpersonal dynamics. These can all have a financial impact for the employer.

Perhaps more important than the financial aspect - is the need for us all to recognise our obligation as co-workers, managers and supervisors. In today’s fast paced high pressure society many of us spend as much time at work as we do at home with our families. Our role is to provide support, compassion and to recognise the individual’s grief. In this way we assist our friend and colleague to deal with their loss.

An understanding of the normal grief response is important for all managers, supervisors and co-workers. Individuals dealing with grief may be subject to irritability, frustration, difficulty in making decisions, mood swings.

These are some guidelines to assist managers and co-workers.

• Make contact as soon as possible. 
• Ask how the bereaved worker is doing and listen to the answer. 
• Handle the situation in a sensitive, straight forward manner. 
• Ask about specific and meaningful ways to help. 
• Respect confidentiality. 
• Be prepared to accept less than the best for a time. 
• Provide some flexibility in work hours. 
• Be patient. 
• Acknowledge a death with a note or flowers. 
• Have a workplace representative present at the funeral to convey condolence. 
• If the grieving person does not seem to be coping it might be appropriate to seek consultation or refer for counselling.

Adults grieving the loss of a parent

Whether you are 14 or 54 losing your parent is a traumatic experience and just because we expect to outlive our parents doesn't mean the loss is any easier to bear.


Although we make new friends and develop new relationships as we become adults, many of us still continue to rely on our parents for advice and support. After all - your parents may not be your only support structure but they are certainly the one you know best and have relied on for the longest.


 It is also true that many of us feel that there is no one in the world that knows and loves us quite like our parents do. As a result - and although we expect that grieving for our parents represents the natural order of things - we are often surprised by the shock of losing a parent. We tend to underestimate the severity of the grief we will experience when our parents die and if we have not experienced it ourselves - we run the risk of trivialising it when it affects our adult friends and colleagues.


The loss of a parent may be further complicated by the fact that - in many cases - we have been our parent's caregiver. As children we start out as as dependant children but this often comes full circle and many of us care for our parents in old age or during a terminal illness.


Here are a few simple ideas intended to provide readers with a some tools to equip themselves during this difficult period.

• Be honest with yourself - acknowledge and accept your emotions - feel that anger or grief without guilt.
• As far as possible stick to your normal eating, sleeping an exercising routines.
• Grieving is a process - allow your self time to grieve - and remember grief comes in waves - there will good and bad days.
• Seek and accept the support of family and friends - join a support group and spend time with others who can empathise with you.
• Keeping a personal item of your parent's close at hand - drivers licence, photograph or some other memento.
• Find a way to remember your parent - create a memorial or donate to their favourite charity - this will help you focus on their legacy.
• Keep a grief journal - we often underestimate how we are progressing - this will help you to realise that you won't feel like this for ever.

Helping teenagers grieve

Very few periods in our lives are filled with as much change as our adolescent years. Having to cope with the loss of a loved one at this time can add to the already heavy psychological burden teenagers must bear. Arming ourselves with specific knowledge can help us to cope or even help others with their grief. 


Adolescents are not children - but neither are they adults. Quite often the mature appearance of a teenager can conceal the fact that they are invariably not as emotionally mature as they look. The trap that we may fall into as a result is the expectation that they are capable of 'being strong' when in fact what they need is consistent and compassionate support in order for them to get on with mourning.


We often naturally assume that the adolescent has adequate support structures and this can be misleading. Frequently, as a young adult, the teenager will be expected to assume an adult role in helping to support a surviving parent or younger siblings or other family members, either emotionally or financially. Friends are also often seen as the support structure on which the teen can rely. In many cases however, unless the friends themselves have suffered a loss, they may be unable to empathise. This often results in friends acting in an insensitive manner or ignoring the topic entirely.


It may be useful to be on the look out for any of the following signs which may indicate that some intervention is required.

• Signs of depression - sleeplessness, restlessness or low self image.
• A change in academic performance or lack of interest in age appropriate activities.
• Deteriorating relationships - with peers or family members.
• Unsafe or inappropriate behaviours - substance abuse or aggression.
• Obvious attempts to hide real feelings of grief and sadness.

Remember the basics - give the teen the right and the space to grieve, act in a loving and supportive manner which takes account of the multitude of changes and challenges the adolescent is facing, encourage but don't force the teen to share their feelings, peer support groups are very effective for this age group, don't underestimate the importance of the loss or the impact and above all - remember teens don't always have the emotional maturity their appearance may predict - they are just young people on the inside. 

This is how men grieve

Men and women grieve differently. Understanding the how and why of these differences can help us with our own grief and well as help us to support grieving family and friends effectively.


Although all men and women demonstrate both typically masculine and feminine characteristics, research has shown that generally men and women tend to mourn differently. This may be partly due to socialisation and the fact that men are brought up to be strong and are told form a young age that boys don't cry. As one author puts it: "Men are taught to hide their tears, and to replace their sadness with anger. During therapy, at first men get very angry, then the tears come. With women, the situation is reversed: first come the tears, then the anger."


There is however research that show that there are biological reasons for this difference. Men are known to have lower levels of the hormone prolactin. Amongst other things prolactin is associated with emotional tears. Before puberty boys and girls have similar levels but in boys the levels drop as the levels of the male hormone testosterone increase with age.


Physical and mental activity are important to the mourning process for many men. This is why we find that many men want to be doing something while they deal with their grief. This takes on many different forms - here are some examples: gardening, art, building, creating tributes, starting a ritual or even starting a memorial foundation.


Alan D Wolfelt reminds us to remember the following about men who are grieving or mourning.

• Men feel the need to be strong - you can help by creating a safe place for the man to just be himself and grieve the way he needs to.
• Men need to be active - support this by offering to be involved in the activity - even if it is just offering to go fishing.
• Men feel the need to be protectors - this can lead to feelings of guilt and regret over not having been able to prevent a death - help your friend to deal with any guilt they may have as a result of the loss.
• It is OK for men to grieve differently - your friend must understand that he can express himself in a way which is comfortable for him.
• Make contact and stay in contact - this is very important in the weeks and months after the loss when continued support can make all the difference.
• Watch for warning signs - especially depression, anxiety and chemical abuse - find a way to intervene if the grief begins to negatively affect your friend's physical or emotional health.
• Understand the importance of the loss - just because you can't see a man grieving - it doesn't mean he doesn't have strong feelings about his loss.

Grief can affect the immune system

There is now good evidence to suggest that grief can have an effect on the immune system leaving us more susceptible to illnesses. Grief tends to be a prolonged emotional state but when we grieve it is also important to take care of our physical bodies as well as our emotional well being.

The science behind this effect on the immune system has to do with the release of chemicals that the body releases during stress. Over a long period (like the grieving process) these chemicals can affect how the body functions including the bodies' immune system. During periods of stress our bodies also release fewer of the specialised cells that the body relies on to help fight off infections.


What all of this means is that people who are grieving the loss of a loved one may be more prone to catching common conditions such as colds and flu. This effect can also trigger a flare up or deterioration in chronic diseases. So for example diabetics or people who have arthritis may find these conditions more difficult to treat during this period of their lives.


There is a much more serious side to this effect. It is now believed that this explains why deaths so often occur within twelve months of the loss of a loved one. People who have experienced a loss are now know to at a higher risk of dying within the first year. It appears that this is much more common in men that in women because men generally have fewer support systems (family and friends) than women do.


Here are some suggestions that may help to reduce the effect of grieving on the immune system.

• Take plenty of time off and give yourself time to recover from the loss.
• Get plenty of rest - do whatever it takes to maintain normal sleep patterns as far as possible.
• Eat a healthy balanced diet - stress affects our appetites - be aware of this.
• Drink plenty of fluids - and avoid alcohol and caffeine.
• Try to get regular exercise - a great stress reliever.
• Stay connected to family, friends, church and other support structures - this is absolutely vital.
• Speak to a professional - consult a doctor or psychologist for help if you need it.

Cultural perspectives on Grief - Jewish traditions

Jewish traditions, beliefs and culture include burying the body as soon as possible, a defined period of formal mourning know as Shiva. In this article we explore the etiquette of Jewish funerals and mourning.


It is important that the body is buried as soon as possible - but at the very least within twenty-four hours. Cremation is frowned upon and in most cases the simplest coffin or casket is chosen - made entirely of wood - without metal screws or nails. A prescribed method for preparing the body for burial is followed - and in most cases the body is interred in white linen shrouds.


At the funeral is is customary for all present to participate. Starting with family and close friends - everyone should add at least one shovel of earth. In this ritual the shovel is not passed from hand to hand but left in the ground for the next person to take up, so as to avoid passing the grief from one mourner to another.


There are no flowers at a Jewish funeral - people are requested instead to make charitable donations to causes that sustain life. Often information on a preferred cause can be obtained from family members.


Following on from the funeral mourners (usually immediate family) observe the custom of sitting Shiva. Traditionally this lasts for a seven days excluding the Sabbath (although it may be shorter). Typically the mourners do not concern themselves with their appearance - some may not even shower or bathe - and men do not shave or cut their hair. Mirrors in the house may be covered to emphasise this lack of interest in one's appearance. In some cases mourners do not wear shoes but slippers instead - indicating that they do not intend to leave the house. The intention is that the mourners should focus on the mourning process to the exclusion of all else.


During Shiva visitors to the house are welcome to attend and offer condolences. Friends and relatives will typically bring food to save the mourners having to prepare food. Sweets, cookies, fruit and other treats are also often brought by relatives and friends. Remember to establish whether the house is Kosher so that the gifts of food are appropriate.


Lastly is is acceptable to express your sympathy in your own words - however there are traditional expressions which include the following: “May God comfort you among all mourners of Zion and Jerusalem," and "I wish you long life."

Your children and the death of your ex

The death of an ex-spouse can present some complex issues for the surviving parent. Amongst these are the usual issues to do with how to break the news to the children, assisting the children to cope with their grief. However, the nature of your relationship with your ex and the impact of this on your children can affect how they believe they are able to express their grief - and this can complicate matters.


Our research for this blog indicates that this may be a neglected topic in that there is very little information available. General information is widely available. This includes guiding principles for how to break the news of a death of a loved one to children. These guidelines include the when, where and how as well as offering advice on how to assist children to grieve in the period that follows. Many articles also detail the possible reaction of children and offer guidance on how to deal with these reactions. Suggested reading in this regard is to be found at http://www.parenting-ed.org/ and http://www.ccascounseling.org, amongst others.


One specific potential problem in this instance is something known as disenfranchised grief. This occurs when one grieves but because the grief may not be seen as acceptable to others - the grief is not expressed openly. This may be the case when there has been acrimony between two divorced parent and this has become obvious to the children. The lesson here to the surviving parent is that they should ensure that they create an environment where the children feel free to express and experience grief. Do this by talking openly and honestly about the topic and if necessary give them your permission to express their grief openly.


Without being dishonest consider the following ways of helping them to feel that they are free to grieve - in spite of how you may feel or have felt about your ex-spouse. Recall a neutral memory that involved the child - for example, “Your father cried with joy when you were born.” Reinforce the way that your ex felt about the child or children “Your dad was always so proud of you (or loved you so much),”. If your ex had a positive attribute, try something like, “Your father was a wise man, he taught me how many of life's lessons.”


Divorced families are complex - with complex living and financing arrangements. Children are often sensitive to - and aware of these. Remember to deal with these material matters too. Questions like "where will I live now?" and "will we have enough money to survive?" - may be on the minds of children. Create an environment where these questions can be asked freely and be prepared with honest and practical answers that deal with these questions decisively - dealing with the loss of a parent is difficult enough without these concerns.