A place to grieve and share

Grief in the workplace

2010-11-18T16:46:00.000+02:00

In the ideal world when an employee experiences a death he or she would get the all of time off needed to cope with the grief. However, in the real world a employees are often expected to show up while still grieving the death. Consequently grief from personal losses can have a significant impact on the workplace.

There are many issues for an employer to consider when dealing with a grieving employee in the workplace these include workplace performance, productivity and efficiency and interpersonal dynamics. These can all have a financial impact for the employer.

Perhaps more important than the financial aspect - is the need for us all to recognise our obligation as co-workers, managers and supervisors. In today’s fast paced high pressure society many of us spend as much time at work as we do at home with our families. Our role is to provide support, compassion and to recognise the individual’s grief. In this way we assist our friend and colleague to deal with their loss.

An understanding of the normal grief response is important for all managers, supervisors and co-workers. Individuals dealing with grief may be subject to irritability, frustration, difficulty in making decisions, mood swings.

These are some guidelines to assist managers and co-workers.

Make contact as soon as possible.
Ask how the bereaved worker is doing and listen to the answer.
Handle the situation in a sensitive, straight forward manner.
Ask about specific and meaningful ways to help.
Respect confidentiality.
Be prepared to accept less than the best for a time.
Provide some flexibility in work hours.
Be patient.
Acknowledge a death with a note or flowers.
Have a workplace representative present at the funeral to convey condolence.
If the grieving person does not seem to be coping it might be appropriate to seek consultation or refer for counselling.

Adults grieving the loss of a parent

2010-10-13T13:42:00.001+02:00

Whether you are 14 or 54 losing your parent is a traumatic experience and just because we expect to outlive our parents doesn't mean the loss is any easier to bear.

Although we make new friends and develop new relationships as we become adults, many of us still continue to rely on our parents for advice and support. After all - your parents may not be your only support structure but they are certainly the one you know best and have relied on for the longest.

It is also true that many of us feel that there is no one in the world that knows and loves us quite like our parents do. As a result - and although we expect that grieving for our parents represents the natural order of things - we are often surprised by the shock of losing a parent. We tend to underestimate the severity of the grief we will experience when our parents die and if we have not experienced it ourselves - we run the risk of trivialising it when it affects our adult friends and colleagues.

The loss of a parent may be further complicated by the fact that - in many cases - we have been our parent's caregiver. As children we start out as as dependant children but this often comes full circle and many of us care for our parents in old age or during a terminal illness.

Here are a few simple ideas intended to provide readers with a some tools to equip themselves during this difficult period.

Be honest with yourself - acknowledge and accept your emotions - feel that anger or grief without guilt.
As far as possible stick to your normal eating, sleeping an exercising routines.
Grieving is a process - allow your self time to grieve - and remember grief comes in waves - there will good and bad days.
Seek and accept the support of family and friends - join a support group and spend time with others who can empathise with you.
Keeping a personal item of your parent's close at hand - drivers licence, photograph or some other memento.
Find a way to remember your parent - create a memorial or donate to their favourite charity - this will help you focus on their legacy.
Keep a grief journal - we often underestimate how we are progressing - this will help you to realise that you won't feel like this for ever.

Helping teenagers grieve

2010-10-07T19:51:00.000+02:00

Very few periods in our lives are filled with as much change as our adolescent years. Having to cope with the loss of a loved one at this time can add to the already heavy psychological burden teenagers must bear. Arming ourselves with specific knowledge can help us to cope or even help others with their grief.

Adolescents are not children - but neither are they adults. Quite often the mature appearance of a teenager can conceal the fact that they are invariably not as emotionally mature as they look. The trap that we may fall into as a result is the expectation that they are capable of 'being strong' when in fact what they need is consistent and compassionate support in order for them to get on with mourning.

We often naturally assume that the adolescent has adequate support structures and this can be misleading. Frequently, as a young adult, the teenager will be expected to assume an adult role in helping to support a surviving parent or younger siblings or other family members, either emotionally or financially. Friends are also often seen as the support structure on which the teen can rely. In many cases however, unless the friends themselves have suffered a loss, they may be unable to empathise. This often results in friends acting in an insensitive manner or ignoring the topic entirely.

It may be useful to be on the look out for any of the following signs which may indicate that some intervention is required.

Signs of depression - sleeplessness, restlessness or low self image.
A change in academic performance or lack of interest in age appropriate activities.
Deteriorating relationships - with peers or family members.
Unsafe or inappropriate behaviours - substance abuse or aggression.
Obvious attempts to hide real feelings of grief and sadness.

Remember the basics - give the teen the right and the space to grieve, act in a loving and supportive manner which takes account of the multitude of changes and challenges the adolescent is facing, encourage but don't force the teen to share their feelings, peer support groups are very effective for this age group, don't underestimate the importance of the loss or the impact and above all - remember teens don't always have the emotional maturity their appearance may predict - they are just young people on the inside.

This is how men grieve

2010-09-08T21:59:00.001+02:00

Men and women grieve differently. Understanding the how and why of these differences can help us with our own grief and well as help us to support grieving family and friends effectively.

Although all men and women demonstrate both typically masculine and feminine characteristics, research has shown that generally men and women tend to mourn differently. This may be partly due to socialisation and the fact that men are brought up to be strong and are told form a young age that boys don't cry. As one author puts it: "Men are taught to hide their tears, and to replace their sadness with anger. During therapy, at first men get very angry, then the tears come. With women, the situation is reversed: first come the tears, then the anger."

There is however research that show that there are biological reasons for this difference. Men are known to have lower levels of the hormone prolactin. Amongst other things prolactin is associated with emotional tears. Before puberty boys and girls have similar levels but in boys the levels drop as the levels of the male hormone testosterone increase with age.

Physical and mental activity are important to the mourning process for many men. This is why we find that many men want to be doing something while they deal with their grief. This takes on many different forms - here are some examples: gardening, art, building, creating tributes, starting a ritual or even starting a memorial foundation.

Alan D Wolfelt reminds us to remember the following about men who are grieving or mourning.

Men feel the need to be strong - you can help by creating a safe place for the man to just be himself and grieve the way he needs to.
Men need to be active - support this by offering to be involved in the activity - even if it is just offering to go fishing.
Men feel the need to be protectors - this can lead to feelings of guilt and regret over not having been able to prevent a death - help your friend to deal with any guilt they may have as a result of the loss.
It is OK for men to grieve differently - your friend must understand that he can express himself in a way which is comfortable for him.
Make contact and stay in contact - this is very important in the weeks and months after the loss when continued support can make all the difference.
Watch for warning signs - especially depression, anxiety and chemical abuse - find a way to intervene if the grief begins to negatively affect your friend's physical or emotional health.
Understand the importance of the loss - just because you can't see a man grieving - it doesn't mean he doesn't have strong feelings about his loss.

Grief can affect the immune system

2010-08-24T19:01:00.000+02:00

There is now good evidence to suggest that grief can have an effect on the immune system leaving us more susceptible to illnesses. Grief tends to be a prolonged emotional state but when we grieve it is also important to take care of our physical bodies as well as our emotional well being.

The science behind this effect on the immune system has to do with the release of chemicals that the body releases during stress. Over a long period (like the grieving process) these chemicals can affect how the body functions including the bodies' immune system. During periods of stress our bodies also release fewer of the specialised cells that the body relies on to help fight off infections.

What all of this means is that people who are grieving the loss of a loved one may be more prone to catching common conditions such as colds and flu. This effect can also trigger a flare up or deterioration in chronic diseases. So for example diabetics or people who have arthritis may find these conditions more difficult to treat during this period of their lives.

There is a much more serious side to this effect. It is now believed that this explains why deaths so often occur within twelve months of the loss of a loved one. People who have experienced a loss are now know to at a higher risk of dying within the first year. It appears that this is much more common in men that in women because men generally have fewer support systems (family and friends) than women do.

Here are some suggestions that may help to reduce the effect of grieving on the immune system.

Take plenty of time off and give yourself time to recover from the loss.
Get plenty of rest - do whatever it takes to maintain normal sleep patterns as far as possible.
Eat a healthy balanced diet - stress affects our appetites - be aware of this.
Drink plenty of fluids - and avoid alcohol and caffeine.
Try to get regular exercise - a great stress reliever.
Stay connected to family, friends, church and other support structures - this is absolutely vital.
Speak to a professional - consult a doctor or psychologist for help if you need it.

Cultural perspectives on Grief - Jewish traditions

2010-08-17T19:54:00.000+02:00

Jewish traditions, beliefs and culture include burying the body as soon as possible, a defined period of formal mourning know as Shiva. In this article we explore the etiquette of Jewish funerals and mourning.

It is important that the body is buried as soon as possible - but at the very least within twenty-four hours. Cremation is frowned upon and in most cases the simplest coffin or casket is chosen - made entirely of wood - without metal screws or nails. A prescribed method for preparing the body for burial is followed - and in most cases the body is interred in white linen shrouds.

At the funeral is is customary for all present to participate. Starting with family and close friends - everyone should add at least one shovel of earth. In this ritual the shovel is not passed from hand to hand but left in the ground for the next person to take up, so as to avoid passing the grief from one mourner to another.

There are no flowers at a Jewish funeral - people are requested instead to make charitable donations to causes that sustain life. Often information on a preferred cause can be obtained from family members.

Following on from the funeral mourners (usually immediate family) observe the custom of sitting Shiva. Traditionally this lasts for a seven days excluding the Sabbath (although it may be shorter). Typically the mourners do not concern themselves with their appearance - some may not even shower or bathe - and men do not shave or cut their hair. Mirrors in the house may be covered to emphasise this lack of interest in one's appearance. In some cases mourners do not wear shoes but slippers instead - indicating that they do not intend to leave the house. The intention is that the mourners should focus on the mourning process to the exclusion of all else.

During Shiva visitors to the house are welcome to attend and offer condolences. Friends and relatives will typically bring food to save the mourners having to prepare food. Sweets, cookies, fruit and other treats are also often brought by relatives and friends. Remember to establish whether the house is Kosher so that the gifts of food are appropriate.

Lastly is is acceptable to express your sympathy in your own words - however there are traditional expressions which include the following: “May God comfort you among all mourners of Zion and Jerusalem," and "I wish you long life."

Your children and the death of your ex

2010-08-10T11:23:00.000+02:00

The death of an ex-spouse can present some complex issues for the surviving parent. Amongst these are the usual issues to do with how to break the news to the children, assisting the children to cope with their grief. However, the nature of your relationship with your ex and the impact of this on your children can affect how they believe they are able to express their grief - and this can complicate matters.

Our research for this blog indicates that this may be a neglected topic in that there is very little information available. General information is widely available. This includes guiding principles for how to break the news of a death of a loved one to children. These guidelines include the when, where and how as well as offering advice on how to assist children to grieve in the period that follows. Many articles also detail the possible reaction of children and offer guidance on how to deal with these reactions. Suggested reading in this regard is to be found at http://www.parenting-ed.org/ and http://www.ccascounseling.org, amongst others.

One specific potential problem in this instance is something known as disenfranchised grief. This occurs when one grieves but because the grief may not be seen as acceptable to others - the grief is not expressed openly. This may be the case when there has been acrimony between two divorced parent and this has become obvious to the children. The lesson here to the surviving parent is that they should ensure that they create an environment where the children feel free to express and experience grief. Do this by talking openly and honestly about the topic and if necessary give them your permission to express their grief openly.

Without being dishonest consider the following ways of helping them to feel that they are free to grieve - in spite of how you may feel or have felt about your ex-spouse. Recall a neutral memory that involved the child - for example, “Your father cried with joy when you were born.” Reinforce the way that your ex felt about the child or children “Your dad was always so proud of you (or loved you so much),”. If your ex had a positive attribute, try something like, “Your father was a wise man, he taught me how many of life's lessons.”

Divorced families are complex - with complex living and financing arrangements. Children are often sensitive to - and aware of these. Remember to deal with these material matters too. Questions like "where will I live now?" and "will we have enough money to survive?" - may be on the minds of children. Create an environment where these questions can be asked freely and be prepared with honest and practical answers that deal with these questions decisively - dealing with the loss of a parent is difficult enough without these concerns.

The grief that follows a long illness

2010-08-05T09:08:00.000+02:00

Grief that results from a long illness of a loved one is often described as being two separate waves of grief. Sometime they are called Anticipatory Grief and Grief After Death. Looking at these two stages, gaining an understanding them and how they affect us, can assist the healing process.

For many people the process of anticipatory grief begins as soon as we learn that we may lose a loved one to a terminal illness for example. It is said to evoke feeling such as sadness, fear, concern and denial. It can be as severe and intense as the grief we experience after the actual loss. However traumatic this may be, the value of this period of our lives is that is can offer the opportunity for closure. For example we may get the chance to ask for forgiveness, say thank you, say goodbye or express our love.

Grief after death is the second wave. In this phase we are often left feeling both exhausted and numbed. More specifically during this time - in addition to dealing with our grief - we may be plagued by feelings of guilt, regret or left questioning our actions. A long illness is a stressful period and during these times tempers may flare - we may even say things we don't mean. This can leave us with feelings of regret. There may be questions to do with treatment options - more chemotherapy or trying a different form of treatment. We may find ourselves questioning these decisions during the grieving process.

At this time we must remember that this process of reviewing is quite normal and is part of grieving. The important thing to realise is that hindsight is a perfect science. We should remind ourselves of the circumstances at the time - the pressure we were under and the difficulties we faced. Allow ourselves to recall the stress we were under. Most importantly - realise that we did the best we could do at the time and that questioning those actions now is of very little value.

Unfinished business with a lost loved one

2010-07-27T17:49:00.000+02:00

Most of us have have unfinished business with someone. That apology we never made or received or the phone we slammed down in someone’s ear. How do we deal with the situation when the person concerned dies unexpectedly, and we are denied the opportunity to put things right?

This is an important question because it can lead to what is known as ‘complicated grief’ where there is a something which affects the grieving process. In some cases this situation can actually suspend or stop the grieving process.

In these situations it is important that the ‘unfinished’ business is somehow ‘finished’. There is a good chance that this unfinished business will affect present relationships and even our ability to cope with the loss.

The suggestions below have been found to be useful in helping resolve unfinished business.

Forgive – if you are the party that has been wronged find it in your heart to forgive the other person.

Be fair – to both yourself and the other person – give everyone involved the benefit of the doubt. For example – did you act as badly as you recall? Do the other person’s actions really justify your feelings of anger? If necessary ask someone else for an opinion.

Try to be specific – think long and hard about the precise circumstances. Try to work out exactly why you feel the way you do. This will help you decide whether or not there is still a need to be concerned or angry.

Be honest with yourself – are you possibly blowing something up out of proportion – was this incident really as bad as you recall and would the other person still be angry or upset.

Converse – talk to the person or write them a letter – this might help you to deal with your feelings of anger or guilt.

Turning grief into good works

2010-07-22T09:34:00.000+02:00

One of the questions that occupy my mind is how to take a powerful emotion like grief and harness it in some way. Don’t get me wrong grief for grief’s sake is necessary and it doesn’t have to channelled – but when it is it can be powerful. Stories of how people have turned grief in to good work abound.

Take the storey of Cara Johnstone. She and her twin sister, Mairin, were involved in a motor vehicle accident. Marin died tragically in the accident. Since the accident Cara has taken her ICBC sponsored Drive to Save Lives Tour to over 2,000 schools. She has spoken to over a million students about traffic safety, visiting schools across Canada, Australia, New Zealand and the U.S. “I’m not the only one who has a story.” says Cara, who tours 200 high schools annually. “There is nothing special about me or my story. The fact is we lose 90 people an hour in car crashes worldwide.”

In a similar way Ashley Cole’s husband Brian husband and family launched the Ashley Fister Cole Foundation. So far, the foundation has collected more than $30,000 for cancer research. Ashley died in 2002 of melanoma, a virulent form of skin cancer. "We just knew we wanted to give something back to melanoma researchers and cancer survivors who helped Ashley fight the disease”, said Brian Cole, 35.

Freelance photographer Carol Hartfree, cycled the 50 miles, from Brentford to Birmingham in the UK, in just three days in a bid to raise more than £2,000 for a cancer charity. Carol aged 42, was inspired to take on the challenge on behalf of Pancreatic Cancer UK, after her sister-in-law Jill, died of the disease two years ago. She said: “By doing this completely bonkers ride I’m hoping to do a tiny amount to raise awareness and stop so many people dying from this appalling disease.“I’m a ‘plump’ 40 something so I’m not exactly built to wear Lycra, but I love cycling and have found it a fantastic way to get fitter.”

These are not celebrities, but ordinary people inspired to help others by the death of a relative. It occurs to me then that any one of us could do the same. Whether it is doing some work for our loved one’s favourite charity, or establishing a new one – channelling that grief can be wonderfully therapeutic.

How to deal with sad and painful memories

2010-07-13T12:18:00.000+02:00

Harriet Hodgson has written an excellent article on this subject - take a look at http://ezinearticles.com/?Grieving---Handling-Those-Sad,-Painful,-Haunting-Memories&id=3348761.

In this article Harriet's own words describe her daughter's death in a car accident as "the worst shock of my life". In the period following the accident surgeons operated on her daughter for 20 hours but could not save her. This resulted in her having to face the agonising decision to stop life support which she describes as "the stuff of bad memories".

We all have many memories - both good and bad - and research has show that the memories that tend to last are those that are emotionally charged. This pre-programmed tendency recall emotionally charged memories helps to explain why our memories associated with our grief remain so vivid.

Another Author Marc Lerner in his article, "How to Deal with Bad Memories," believes humans have the ability to recondition their minds about these memories and focus on the positive self. as he puts it: "You may not be able to change the events of your past, but you can change your interpretations in the moment".

Here are three tips to dealing with painful memories:

You can focus on your postive self, not an easy task but one which pays dividends.

You can also learn from painful memories. Harriet describes how she found comfort in her daughter's decision to become an organ donor.

Third, you can make something good from painful memories. Once again Harriet describes how the loss changed her writing career. In her words "Bad memories can lead us in new directions. Our memories help to define who we are and who we hope to be".

The begining of his end.

2009-09-02T16:10:00.003+02:00

It was so sudden. My older brother, my hero, my friend, my doctor, and an integral part of my family.

One day he was healthy, alive and forty six years young. Then a call to say he's got terrible pain and they need to investigate. 'Don't worry it's not cancer, probably a cyst'. Two hours later my Mother tells me he's got inoperable pancreatic cancer. He's going to die.

I was living in the Uk at the time of the phone call. I remember doulbling over in agony. Not being able to cry or talk or believe. I'd been living away from him, in a different country for 6 years and all I wanted to do was see him. To see as much of him as I could. To touch him, to hold his hand, to speak to him, to tell him how much I loved him and to look after him. I went onto the internet and booked my ticket home.

Two days later I arrived back in South Africa.

My first memory of him in hospital was him lying propped up in the ICU bed with a big smile on his face when he saw me. 'Don't worry everything is going to be okay' he said. 'How will we manage without you? Who will look after me and my children? Who's going to answer my questions?' 'Don' t worry, you'll manage.'

He died six months, to the day, later.

During those 6 months: I looked at him, I looked after him. I held his hand, I cried with him, I laughed with him and at him. I talked to him, I shouted at him, I tried to memorise everything about him, and I wished him dead because of all the pain he was causing. But most of all I tried to love him as much as I could.

We all fought, cried, laughed, agonised, questioned, bargained, threatened, threw things, hugged, made enemies, made friends. We grew stronger, wiser, fatter, thinner, angry,tired, and closer.

He died on a Wednesday afternoon. We carried him through to a room with a double bed so that we could all be on the bed with him. We lay with him and held his hand, counted his breaths, begged him to take one more breath (which he did), then he died.

Grief arising from sudden and traumatic loss

2009-08-31T20:19:00.000+02:00

Although any bereavement is difficult to accept and process, it is well known that bereavement through sudden, accidental or traumatic can be a special case. This post aims to communicate a better understanding of how and why this type of loss can be particularly traumatic.

It is the sudden nature of these events that poses the problem. Examples of this type of loss include heart attacks, strokes, accidents, post-operative complications, allergic reactions and natural disasters. These events suddenly change our world leaving us shaken, unsure and vulnerable and with a sense that there is no order in the world.

For those left behind there may be special problems not associated with other types of loss. Specific issues may complicate and compound the level of grief and make the grieving process more intense. For example there may be unfinished business in that there was, most likely, no opportunity to say goodbye or to apologise for wrongdoing or arguments.

Sudden tragic events also tend to increase the vulnerability of those left behind. Fears of a repeat of the event that caused the loss or a general anxiety about unfamiliar situations may be present. A general pessimism about the future may also be experienced. Along with this may come losses of income or status which adds to the burden of the bereaved. In some cases the survivor may have experienced the traumatic event and may themselves be injured. This adds to the stress of the situation and may be accompanied by survivor’s guilt.

The article http://www.journeyofhearts.org/grief/accident2.html describes how grievers might react to various causes of death. This is useful in understanding our own feelings and in helping those we are close to deal with their loss.

Natural losses are illnesses and natural disasters—heart attack, stroke, earthquake or hurricane. With natural losses the resulting anger is directed towards the deceased or God. Human-caused losses include homicide, bombings, or acts of war and may be due to individual hostile actions. In human-caused disasters the survivor’s anger can be focused on the responsible person(s).
In accidental deaths there is no clear focus of intentionality. There is a high degree of intentionality with deaths such as homicide. Anger and blame for the death can be directed at a responsible person.
Illnesses like a sudden heart attack or ruptured aneurysm and natural disasters earthquakes, hurricanes, tornadoes may not be perceived as being preventable. Others such as homicide may be highly preventable. When deaths are perceived as preventable, there may be a strong sense of the "What if’s." Preventable deaths are likely to increase a sense of guilt, especially if one feels responsible or a sense of anger or if one holds others at fault.
With some losses, the death is instantaneous. Immediate death may leave feelings that the person who died had no time to prepare for the death. Many survivors find the knowledge of an instantaneous death to be comforting. In others situations, there is a question whether the deceased suffered pain or anxiety prior to dying. These memories, particularly if the person's relative died in extremely distressing circumstances may dominate the person's thoughts, rather than the memories of the person themselves. This can become a diversion from grieving for the deceased person disrupting the grieving process. Imaginings or memories of the traumatic death may cause so much distress, that remembering the person who died may be actively avoided.
The number of people affected by the loss can affect the intensity of grief. When large numbers of people are involved as with a devastating hurricane, the ability of others to offer support maybe limited, because of the extent of those involved. Conversely, highly public losses such as the September 11th tragedy, Littleton Shootings or losses due to war can result in a greater community response and demonstration of support, allowing survivors to bond and grieve together.
Some sudden losses are still somewhat expected, even if just retrospectively. The heart attack of someone at risk or the sudden loss of someone struggling with a life-threatening illness, frequently do not come as a total surprise. Other losses, such as accidents or random acts of violence, offer little to no forewarning and are a shock to the survivor.

Helping a grieving friend

2009-08-26T08:12:00.003+02:00

A loss has a way of affecting not only those directly related to the deceased but also the friends of that person. We instinctively believe we know how the person directly affected by the loss is feeling, but as the friends of the griever we are often are unsure of how to act.

It is difficult to know what to say and how to act and a frequent result of this is that we may say and do nothing; avoiding the person and even important events like the funeral. This has the potential to leave the griever bewildered and under the impression that they have been abandoned in their hour of need, thereby compounding their grief.

It is often the simple things that make a difference. For example the act of listening can be incredibly therapeutic. This allows the griever to express feeling they might otherwise bottle up. Visiting the person is also important but we need to care to sustain this contact. In the days and weeks following the loss most friends maintain contact. As time passes however we tend to forget. This is possibly the most important time to keep up our visits and interaction, as life and routines begin to normalise for the griever. Remember your bereaved friend’s life has changed completely and their adaptation can take longer than we imagine.

Suite101.com (at http://depressiongrief.suite101.com/article.cfm/5_ways_to_help_a_grieving_friend) suggests the following practical ways to help a grieving friend.

The most important thing to remember is to be there for your friend or loved one. Asking what they need may or may not help since they could still be in shock, but often they will come up with something you can do to help out. Be a loving, gentle, patient friend and that itself will go a long way.

When you’re thinking about grief support, remember that your role is to be a friend (not a grief counsellor or grief expert). You can’t solve every problem or make everything alright again. These ways to help a grieving friend will help you know what to do.
Find practical ways to help. Help a grieving friend by bringing meals that freeze well and can be heated up in a few days or weeks. Offer to do laundry, grocery shopping, or errand running. If your friend has kids, volunteer to take them to sports practices or ballet lessons.
Stay in touch. You may feel awkward and helpless when you have a grieving friend, but don’t let your own feelings of discomfort stop you from reaching out. Grief support – honouring your friend’s loss – is about calling on holidays or birthdays, or sending thoughtful cards.
Locate resources. When your friend is coping with grief, he or she may not think to find grief support groups or grief counselling. Tactfully mention the bereavement counselling services nearby, or suggest grief support networks on the internet.
Listen. Help a grieving friend by taking him or her out for coffee and offering to listen. Ask them to tell you all about the lost loved one. Coping with grief is more difficult when there’s nobody to talk to, so just listen.
Watch for unhealthy reactions. Keep an eye on your friend for unhealthy responses to death, such as physical signs of depression, extreme weight loss, or social isolation. If your friend really seems to be struggling through the mourning process, talk to a grief expert or contact a grief support group. Find out what you can do to help your grieving friend.

A parent's grief

2009-08-06T18:14:00.004+02:00

"When a parent dies, you lose your past; when a child dies, you lose your future" - Anonymous.

The loss of a child is a very difficult realty for any parent to contemplate. It may be that is is the hardest loss of all to bear. Perhaps it is no coincidence that there is no English word to describe a bereaved parent. We are all familiar with terms like orphan, widow and widower which describe the relationship of the bereaved to the deceased. There is no such term to describe a parent who has lost a child.

The grief which results from the loss of a loved one is never easy to bear. However, somehow we all come to accept death as part of our daily lives, a natural part of our existence on earth. In spite of this acceptance or conditioning the death of a child somehow seems unnatural. As we grow older we come to anticipate the death of our parents and even accept that we may lose a sibling - the loss of a child is different. Parent who have experienced the loss of a child find themselves in a very difficult situation. They must deal with their grief whilst still attempting to lead as full a life as possible. Very often there are other children in the family that need the love, support and stability that only a normally functioning parent can provide.

Surprisingly, according to Dr Doree Lynn, the death of a young child is the single most powerful predictor of divorce. Normal, healthy and stable relationships may be undermined by feelings, of guilt, self recrimination, blame, depression, anger and doubt. It is an irony that just when one might expect married couples to be united in their grief it seems that this may not be the case. The expectation that a common loss might galvanise and strengthen a relationship may be false, and in contrast may create tensions strong enough to end a relationship.

These are ten ideas to assist parent in coping with grief which are adapted from ww.pilc.org.

Respect your own needs. You are best placed to decide which advice to heed and which to discard, according to your needs and personality.
Have realistic expectations for your grief. Grieving is a process which cannot take place according to deadlines – your own or those dictated by others. Be conscious of the fact that there will be good and bad days – that is part of the deal.
Be confident that you will eventually heal. The process may be tough but as you work through your feelings of yearning, anger, guilt, failure, sadness and hurt, you will come out the other side.
Let your grief flow. You may be afraid of being vulnerable or appearing weak and cowardly but by suppressing feelings, you may think you are controlling your grief, but in reality, you are increasing its power to run your life.
Remember child and your memories. While you may believe that the quicker you can forget and move on the quicker you will heal. The opposite is true and a gradual goodbye is better by far.
Accept the support of others although at times it may not be appropriate. Generally friends and family mean to be supportive and helpful. Unfortunately they don’t always have the knowledge or experience of loss situations. Take time to guide those you trust to help you in an appropriate way.
Pursue those things that help you face and cope with your feelings. Support groups, grief journals, reading on grief and spiritual or religious activities are some suggestions.
Make a conscious choice to get through your grief without letting it destroy your life. This can be a significant key to survival. You can choose whether to triumph over your loss or be defeated by it. Many parents mention that eventually they reach a point where they just decide to stop wishing it didn't happen and start learning to live with it. When you're ready, you can do that too.
Allow yourself to hold onto some hope for the future. Whether this may include another baby or not, your life can have meaning beyond "bereaved parent." You will always remember your precious child but you can move on in peace, bringing your memories with you.
Remember, you are not alone.

The child's loss

2009-07-22T17:13:00.004+02:00

There are many excellent resources on the web that provide advice on assisting children in dealing with grief. This article is an excellent place to start - http://teacher.scholastic.com/professional/bruceperry/child_loss.htm.

It is important to realise that many children, especially small children, they are not accustomed to loss. As adults we come to accept death and loss as part of normal life but for children it can be a frightening and bewildering experience. As we grow and develop we learn to cope with experiences - however in many cases we are so busy dealing with our own grief that our role as caregivers is compromised, just when we are needed most.

There are a number of general principles that may be applied. Please note that this is not intended as a comprehensive list and will not provide the tools necessary in every situation.

Don't hesitate to speak openly about the loss. Although a very frightening death event may trigger a two stage grieving process in children, the first stage being terror and the second sadness, the fact remains that openness has an impact on grieving. It is healthy for the child to see adults and caregivers grieving as they will learn to grieve from watching this process. Children are also subject to the same emotional and psychological risks of not grieving properly, as adults.
How one speaks to the child about the loss is important. Remember that age appropriate language and explanations are important. It may be best to sit the child down quietly and explain the situation in an appropriate way. All individuals, and children, have their own unique way of dealing with these situations. Some will be quite vocal and others might withdraw. Be sure to make it clear that at any time the conversation can be re-opened, thus encouraging further dialogue without forcing the issue.
Share information about the child's loss appropriately with those in the child's world. This includes friends, schoolmates and teaches and other care givers. This will assist in creating empathy and understanding from the people the child interacts with during the day. Don't hesitate to intervene where you believe that anyone is not being sufficiently empathetic or tolerant of the child's state of mind.
Children too benefit from the formalised rituals and traditions that we associate with mourning. As with adults events like memorial services, wakes and funerals aid the grieving process. Ensure that the child participates appropriately in these events and they will benefit from the healing benefits associated with these rituals.
There is no rule for how long the grieving process should last. More importantly than how long the grief lasts is the extent of the impact on normal daily life. One should be mindful of the fact that intervention may be required when the grief symptoms begin to affect the child's normal daily functioning, for example school performance. This may be a signal for the care givers to enlist professional help.
Children sometimes do not understand causality and can even mistakenly assume that they are to blame for events. For example the child may feel responsible for the death of a parent if the parent died in car accident on the way to collect the child from school. If any signs or evidence of this is detected take care to patiently correct these mistaken beliefs or misconceptions - over and over if necessary.

Grief in the family

2009-07-15T11:00:00.006+02:00

Adapted from http://www.palliative.org/PC/GeneralPublic/GriefBereavement/GriefInTheFamily.pdf.
When families experience a loss it is important to remember that although we grieve collectively we are all individuals and as such we will respond differently. The level of support that we are able to give one another is influenced by our ability to recognise and respect these differences. There are a number of factors which affect the manner in which individuals respond to grief; these include age, gender and personality amongst others.

One useful approach is to think of people as either feeling grievers or thinking grievers. Very few of us are definitely feeling or thinking grievers and most of us show characteristics of both. Feeling grievers tend to be far more expressive. They express their feelings by crying or shouting, and appear to be more sensitive to grief and to experience it more acutely. For feeling grievers talking about their grief is therapeutic and they would be more likely to use counselling or support groups as part of the healing process. Thinking grievers on the other hand tend to be less expressive and will attempt to use logic and facts to solve the problem. Thinking grievers coping mechanisms often include turning to self-help or physical activities as a way of finding comfort.

It is often assumed that men and women grieve according to gender stereotypes. The assumption therefore may be that women are feeling grievers and men are thinking grievers. This is not always the case and making this assumption may pressure individuals to react in a way which is not natural to them, which may be detrimental to their own healing.

As families grieve together it may be useful for them to remember the following tips which will help to maintain harmony during these difficult times.

Tolerance is the key and families need to patiently accept the different ways in which other family members will experience and express grief.
Anticipate the fact that sharing feelings of grief may be difficult. Some family members might not share openly out of fear that their openness may further upset others. Bear in mind that failure to express one’s feelings can lead to feelings of isolation.
All members of the family must be included in the grieving process. Remember both the young and the old and allow all family members to express their feelings.
As the roles and responsibilities of the deceased are re-allocated to other family members, take care not to overwhelm family members to the extent that they are distracted from their own grieving.
Grieving is hard work and it is important to ensure that family members get enough rest and make time for leisure activities.
Scrapbooks comprised of photos, mementos and letters can help families remember together.
The loss of a loved one is a big change for all – limit other changes to routines and circumstances as much as possible.
Anticipate that important dates such as birthdays and anniversaries may bring grief to the surface again. Ensure that family members are well supported at these times.
Maintaining traditions and rituals might be comforting for some family members but equally could be distressing to others. Families should decide together which traditions and rituals to maintain.
A supportive family environment should be maintained. This includes providing opportuities for all family members to express their feelings openly.
Recognise that dealing with a loss is an ongoing process and over time the attitudes and needs of families will change in this respect.
Help from outside the family can come from many sources – embrace any outside assistance that is available, including assistance offered by friends and the services of professionals.

Embracing Grief

2009-07-10T13:14:00.005+02:00

There is a great article which you can find at http://www.alternativesmagazine.com/40/some.html which starts with the words “Surrendering to your sorrow has the power to heal the deepest of wounds”.

The article is written by Sobonfu Somé. It begins with a very important theme which is simply, that for the author, grieving is a matter of life and death. This speaks not only to the inevitable fact that at some stage we will all grieve, but also to the fact that grieving is part of life. Her description of the grieving process of the Dagara tribe of Burkina Faso, shows us that that grieving is a process and not an event. After the loss of a childhood friend, her family and friends would frame their questions about her grief around the sufficiency of her grieving rather than around whether she was finished grieving. It appears that in this community grief is seen as both normal and healthy and is a necessity not an inconvenience.

Her description of her experiences of grief during her time in the United States contrasts starkly with her early life experiences. She says it best in the quote directly from the article.

I thought this perspective on grief was natural for everyone until I came to the U.S. I was with a friend who was having a conflict with her family and I knew the situation was not easy for her. But one day I heard her alone in the bathroom crying! I said, through the door, “Are you OK?” She said, “Yes, I’m fine!” I said to myself, “Oh my god, something is not right here.”

The next interesting theme is the way in she describes the price we are likely to pay for not grieving. The analogy she uses is powerful and it describes grief as a toxin which builds up in our systems, leading to not only psychological manifestations but even to physical effects on the body.

The article ends with a very powerful message from the author.

Communal grieving offers something that we cannot get when we grieve by ourselves. Through validation, acknowledgement and witnessing, communal grieving allows us to experience a level of healing that is deeply and profoundly freeing. Each of us has a basic human right to that genuine love, happiness and freedom.

We recommend anyone affected by grief should spend a few minutes reading the whole article.

Why Good Grief?

2009-07-07T09:13:00.011+02:00

It is almost three and a half years ago that we lost our brother. We were extremely fortunate in some ways because we didn't lose him suddenly. He was diagnosed with cancer almost exactly six months to the day before he died. There was time to accomplish the practical tasks of assisting him to organise his affairs and plan his own memorial. The family was able to spend time with him during those last six months loving him and each other, making the most of what we knew was borrowed time.

In other ways we were less fortunate, although somewhat typical. At the time of the confirmation of his diagnosis and the terminal nature of his illness, our family was scattered not only across our own country, but one of his siblings lived in the UK and one in the USA. The point is that it has become normal for families to be spread out across not only their home countries but across the globe. What we have described up to now is just the geography of our immediate family. When we consider extended family and friends, there is often a longer list of those living far away than close by.

Out of this experience the idea for Good Grief was born. Social Networks on the web have brought new dimensions to so many of our interactions as a society and it seemed logical to us to harness their functionality in this novel way. It is our sincere hope that Good Grief will help to bring comfort to families and friends who, because of physical separation, are unable to grieve together. We have made use of the existing social graph within Facebook as well as the invitations, feeds and notifications in Facebook to facilitate this process. Good Grief offers grievers (other than the page creator) different ways to pay respects or share memories and photographs.

This blog is about collective grieving in a world where our families and social networks are fragmented by space and time. We invite you to share your experiences with us here.